It’s so good to be back and writing my blog again. The past
week I’ve been working a lot of overtime so I haven’t had much time to sit down
and write and I didn’t want to give you guys and rushed post. But I have a few
days off work so I can relax and write to my heart’s content!
This post is going a little bit longer and more serious as it’s about a
past relationship of mine. I reflect a lot on negative experiences as I see it as
a way to learn, grow and avoid making the same mistakes again. At the time I couldn’t
clearly see the situation I was in but now I am fully aware that what I went
through was a controlling relationship. I’m not going to say it was abusive
because I didn’t and still don’t feel like I was abused, but definitely
controlled to some extent.
I’m not going to mention names for obvious reasons so we’ll
call this guy X. Me and X met through a mutual friend after hanging out a few
times. I hadn’t had a proper serious relationship before so I guess you could
say I was a little naïve. We met up and hung out together a few times and before
deciding to start a relationship. At the time things at home weren’t great for
me and my relationship with my parents was rocky. So I thought being in a
relationship would be a great way to distract myself from my home problems, it
would also give me someone to confide in. For the first few months things were
amazing, I met his parents, walked his dog, and even spent Christmas together.
At the time I was attending college and studying A Levels. I
don’t regret taking A Levels but I regret putting so much pressure on myself
because it didn’t help my anxiety at all. I was also battling a lot of negative
thoughts towards myself and I was stupidly self-harming which can be so horrifically
addicting even though it’s so awful to do to yourself. X told me that I shouldn’t
be feeling or doing this because there’s always someone who has it worse than
you. Which is totally true but it didn’t mean that my feelings and thoughts
were irrelevant. This carried on for a little bit and then things got a lot
worse.
At college I was making a lot of new friends which really
helped me to come out of my shell. I got invited to a party by this girl on my
course and I was really excited to go. However because of my anxiety the
thought of meeting a bunch of new people completely petrified me. I told X
about the party and he said I shouldn’t go at first. He told me it wasn’t good
for my anxiety but I was determined to go and not let my anxiety rule my life.
I remember that he texted me saying that whilst I was at the party I had to
ring him every fifteen minutes so he knew I was okay. I thought he was just being
caring and genuinely wanted to know if I was alright. For the first few hours
of the party I did ring him, I was fine at the time and he seemed okay with me being
there. But as my anxiety kicked in I started to drink more alcohol to ‘relax’
me. X kept texting me and asking why I wasn’t ringing him. I didn’t want to
ring him. I was enjoying myself (probably because of the alcohol) and I felt
like he was suffocating me a bit. So I texted him saying that my phone was
dying and I couldn’t reply. Stupidly I drank way too much and ended up passing
out. Alcohol really isn’t the answer to anxiety and I have no idea why I
thought it was back then.
The next morning I woke up too an awful headache and
ridiculous amount of missed calls and texts from X. He was so angry at me
because I didn’t ring me. He told me I was a ‘common chav’ for drinking alcohol
and that I didn’t deserve him. I was so confused, I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Why didn’t he trust me?
Things got a lot worse. X started demanding that I tell him
where I was at all times and who I was with. He even turned up at my college
(which he didn’t attend) just to see what I was doing and who I was with. If I didn’t
ring him when he wanted me to, he would threaten to kill himself. He didn’t
force me to do anything with him in a sexual way but there was some stuff that looking
back at I really wasn’t comfortable doing. I’m not gonna go into a lot of
detail but guilt tripping someone into doing ‘stuff’ with you is completely
wrong. He’d call me in the night threatening to kill himself and telling me
that I didn’t love him and that it’s my fault that he was depressed. Bearing in
mind whilst this was going on I was revising for my A Level exams and my own
mental health wasn’t great at the time. He made me feel like I was the cause
for everything wrong that was happening to us both.
This went on in total for a whole year. A whole year I
thought this was completely normal and I was the problem. I used to have a horrible
fear of being on my own. I thought I needed him and that I wouldn’t cope
without him. To this day I am still learning how to be content with just myself. It wasn’t until results day that I finally
snapped and realised. I hadn’t really told anyone about the situation with
myself and X so nobody knew what I was going through. I opened my results envelope
and my heart sank. I got a U. I got a U in one of my favourite subjects. The
night before I sat that exam, I’d been on the phone to X trying to convince him
not to kill himself. He said that if I hung up on him he was going to kill
himself so I didn’t actually get any sleep or revision done that night,
resulting in me getting a U in the exam.
I mustered up the courage to end it with X after getting my exam
results. It might sound cowardly but I did text him saying it was over. I couldn’t
face him, I knew that if I saw him he’d guilt me into staying with him. Even
when I was breaking up with him I still felt guilty, what if he really did try
to take his own life? How could I live with myself if he did? He didn’t take it
well, he wanted me to give him back all the presents (1 necklace) he’d given
me, he said I shouldn’t be with anyone because I’d make them ‘get depression’. He
still messaged me on and off for a while, telling me about his new
relationships and how ‘happy’ he was without me.
What the hell was I thinking putting up with this bollocks
for a whole year? It baffles me to this day how I didn’t see how wrong the
relationship was. Just because I feared being on my own I put up with such a controlling
person. I’m so thankful for my friends from school and college for really
helping me pull through a not nice time in my life. If anyone feels like they’re
being abused or controlled by their boyfriend or girlfriend you must end the relationship.
This is not love. This now how a relationship should be. I was a young naïve teenager
at the time but this can happen at any age and it can get out of hand so quickly.
It’s always good to talk about your feelings and anxieties with people you
trust. If someone truly loves you, they won’t bring you don’t, control you or
make you feel like your life isn’t worth living without them.
Right now I am single and I am very, very happy. Although I have
my bad days, my mental health has improved, my relationship with my parents is
much better and I have an amazing group of friends. I am learning to love and
being content with myself. It hard sometimes because it is nice to have someone
who loves and cares about you, but being happy with yourself is more important than
being in a bad relationship just to feel like you’re ‘cared’ for. I don’t know
if any of this make sense but what I’m saying is LOVE YOURSELF!
Sorry that this was so long and it might have been a little
bit boring but I think this topic is very important. Both boys and girls can
fall victim to abusive relationships and I think it needs to be spoken about a
lot more. I promise my next post will be
a lot more cheerful and positive!
- August 08, 2016
- 4 Comments
